The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything