The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
realest tweet ever.
(Jupiter –
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
