The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit