The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
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My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
How actors in movies eat their food
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Challenge accepted.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.