The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
You Might Also Like
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho