Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This might be the funniest tweet ever

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.