Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

awkward

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

I like long walks away from everyone

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.