The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
always be there
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Short story
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own