The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I support this random dude and all his protests
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”