The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
what
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic