Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.