The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Heroic Misunderstanding
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.