The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My neck, my back, my…
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.