The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Wednesday
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??