The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*aggressively waits in line*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂