The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.