Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

.

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out