Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

True freaking story!

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

yall want some gasoline milk

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Lube but for my dry humor.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer