The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A