The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.