Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

couldn’t resist

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.