The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.