The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
It’s on my to-do list.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
why am I working on Labor Day
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.