The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though