The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Social distancing in Australia:
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?