The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
That was easy.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins