Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste