Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.