Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

After 35, your body ages in dog years