The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
