The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
