The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I get distracted pretty eas
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”