Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
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haha same
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.