The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’m listening
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Inside you there are two wolves
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.