The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
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Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket