The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
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Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Muppet Screams
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds