The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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courtroom exchange of the day
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Good morning
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.