Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

This one, by a wide margin

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Bear knowledge

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?