The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.