The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Duolingo getting serious.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
*seductively corrects your posture*
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.