The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
