The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
