The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.


When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.


Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.


My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married


Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*


[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.


People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove


When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.


There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.


Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.