@ObscureGent

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

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@seandunn76

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

@TheMichaelRock

When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.

@PimpleEye

Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

@Megatronic13

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

@stevevsninjas

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

@sarafcarter

People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

@ForeverHairy

When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

@thenatewolf

There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.

@Darlainky

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.