The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Morning my dudes.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Don’t touch that.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.