Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

💀😭

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

fourth time’s the charm

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”