The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I told my vodka about you.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
OMG 🤣🤣
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Extremely relatable.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it