The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Never deleting this app.
