Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
You Might Also Like
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this