@kellyoxford

“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter

You Might Also Like

@wickedsuga

You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.

@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw

@RBColl

Seriously waiting for a four year old to make it to any of those 30 under 30 lists.

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@iwearaonesie

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

@clichedout

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

@isabelzawtun

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

@johnbiehl

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother