The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?