The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Incredible customer service.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.