Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
You Might Also Like
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.
Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My four levels of drunk:
4. Turtle stuck on its back
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!