@octoberjuneblog

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

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@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@causticbob

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

@chagger73

It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.

Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”

@Tmoney68

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

@tiReynard

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

@Smooheed

My four levels of drunk:

1. Bouncy
2. Slide-y
3. Slurry
4. Turtle stuck on its back

@smithsara79

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!