Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.