Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shut up and take my money

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

This came to me in a dream.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.