Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

Coffee is ready.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

asked my bf how work was today

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?