Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!