The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Perfect
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!