Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step