Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

S O O N

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.