The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”