the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker