the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
GM✌🏻
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
*seductively corrects your posture*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste