the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I have a new favorite meme page
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy