the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]