the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?