The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.