The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.