Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.