Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”