Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.