The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
You Might Also Like
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
This fish is cracking me up
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
oh no, steve’s working tonight
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Are we there yet?…
