The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.