The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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But it’s not the “worst way” either…
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I wish I could veto my bills.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.