Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.