the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.