The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
This sounds bad:
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
