The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
(by @ZachWeiner )
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Best spoiler warning ever
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.