Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

What if all the cashiers are married?

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess