The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
so weird how every mom was born today
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.