The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I used the label maker
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!