@GianDoh

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

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@The_Dingus_Khan

Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!

@ArtIsMyPorn

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

@Dawn_M_

Dating Tips
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4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

@ham_why

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

@Reverend_Scott

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

@TheBoydP

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

@juliussharpe

For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.

@NicestHippo

[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox

@AristotlesNZ

If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford