@GianDoh

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

@karanbirtinna

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

@T_Bonezzz_

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

@sarcasm_inc

Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@david8hughes

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

@JaneBadall

Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?

*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*

@pilau

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

@ExcuseMyTweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.