*throws bottle with note into ocean
*bottle with note washes up on beach
“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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Me: Oh No my phone!!!
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Me: we are in Spain
Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?
*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.