The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

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Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!


Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.


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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.


I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires


SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?


DAD: You’re not a dog.


The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.


For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.


[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox


If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford