The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.