The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
How times have changed.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
it was love at first sight
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?