The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
You Might Also Like
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
December birthdays be like…
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
new dr. seuss book dropping:
